Morning time at my parents’ house has always been so peaceful and comforting to me. After Daddy passed, I didn’t think I would ever get that back. It has been the most heart-breaking part of his loss. 

Daddy and I were typically the first ones up. We would spend a few precious moments alone together catching up, talking about current events, and just discussing life in general. I always cherished that time. 

These past several months, I’ve had to adjust to his absence in the mornings when staying at their house. It has been difficult to bear at times, but I’ve muscled through it, for him, for me, and for the rest of the family. This morning, however, I felt more at peace than ever. I got up early and my mom was already awake tending to Ava, the first to awake, and making sure we had breakfast. 

Before I knew it all the girls were awake, and we sat at the breakfast table eating donuts and chatting.  They had no idea how much their presence and their chatter was such a comfort to me. It was pure joy. I’m so grateful for spending that time with them and their silly and delightful conversations. 

Today was a tough day.  This morning, my Mom, my sister and her family and my brother and I all went to mass together for the All Souls Day celebration.  I’ve been missing Daddy so much lately.  Being in “Daddy’s church”, where he ministered and was very much a part of the church family, made my sadness surface uncontrollably and I sobbed in my mom’s arms soon after mass was over.  I felt Daddy everywhere in that church.  His spirit was all around me and it made me miss him that much more.

After mass, we made our way to the cemetary to visit Daddy.  As soon as we arrived, again, I felt him everywhere – in the trees, in the wind.  I broke down again as I put my hand to his name on the mausoleum wall.

As sad as the day was, I was so thankful to be surrounded by my mom, sister, and brother.  I felt full of their love as my mom held me tight and as my sister and brother rubbed my back as I cried.  It got me through the day and I could not be more grateful for that.

It’s tough. On one level, I look forward to going to Pearland and seeing my Mom and brother and visiting Daddy. And yet, on another level, it’s painful.

When I’m in Austin, I go through the motions of my life with Donovon and the girls, our family and friends there, and work. I don’t feel as connected to Daddy when I’m there as I do when I’m in Pearland. Daddy’s life was in Pearland. When we would come to visit, he’d always greet us with so much excitement and enthusiasm. He would even call us on our drive to the house to find out exactly when he could expect us to arrive. He loved our visits, and I always looked forward to his warm welcome, his embrace, and his awe over how much Alexa, and later on Ava, had grown.

As I was driving toward the city today, it hit me how I wasn’t going to be greeted by him. It hurt. I miss him so much. At the same time, I still look forward to coming to Pearland. This is where I feel connected to Daddy. As I sit in my parent’s house tonight, I feel him close by. I can even hear his laughter echo. And I feel his love more here than anywhere. Although it pains me to be here, it somehow also gives me peace. I’m so grateful for that.

God I miss you, Daddy, but I’m so thankful to feel you nearby.